Can't enjoy the sunshine without the rain.

TW- this post contains topics involving depression. If you need to speak out to someone, call any of the Mental Health Helplines here

Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten, in the middle of nowhere?

What are you meant to do when you are feeling so alone and isolated?

What are you meant to do when you don’t feel like you have anyone to turn to when you need a friend?

It’s easy to say “I’m here if you need to talk” but it’s not easy to talk in the first place.

The dark comes crashing in, sweeping across everything you touch.

There’s no light. And all you can think of is how you screwed up, time and time again.

You try to make a cry out for help, but it just comes across as attention seeking.

You post things on social media because, everyone sees social media… right?

But then, if you don’t want to publically tell your troubles so you write “DM me” it’s as if you are shouting “I HAVE A PROBLEM BUT I’M LOOKING FOR ATTENTION SO PAY ME ATTENTION!”

And then you are back in the dark… because you don’t want to be attention seeking. You don’t want to be judged for wanting to find help, but you can’t find a better way around it.

You know you have people to talk to. But you still are too scared to open up.

So many times before you have opened up. So many times you poured your heart out to people, just to have them disappear and leave you alone.

You understand that people have their own lives, but surely it doesn’t take too long to check in on someone?

Surely if you see the posts on social media, or the lack of a person existence, that is some cause for alarm?

The dark comes back time and time again. Telling you that the people you care and don’t love you. Telling you that all the happiness you want is never going to come to you, because you don’t deserve it. The darkness whispers in your ear how you are annoying everyone. That annoyed look the person next to you just pulled? It’s because of you.

People aren’t talking to you? It’s because they don’t like you.

The darkness has a way of making you believe you are worthless. That there is no one there to catch you.

It’s a constant falling. A constant drowning. You sometimes manage to get a gulp of air, but it’s only for a brief second. You are reaching up, crying out for someone to pull you up so you can breathe in fresh air. You’re desperate for it. But they all just keep looking down on you. Telling you to “just swim”.

How can you swim when you have something pulling your leg so you go under?

I feel like a 6 out of 10. I know that you don’t want me here.

Too many times there have been examples of not being wanted. Be it the sudden halt of communication, no matter how many times you try to reach out. It’s the cancelled plans. It’s not being spoken to, but more being spoken at. You aren’t invited to the conversation, but you are mentioned because no one wants to be that person who comes across as a dick. You notice more and more people don’t actually speak in your direction or want to interact with you. So you can’t help but wonder what it is you have done to make them not like you.

Why don’t they like you? What did you do to upset them What did you do to annoy these people? Have you done anything to upset them? Why don’t they want to make friends? Are you that unikeable?

All of the times your friends have abandoned you, you find it hard to trust anyone will stay around long enough. So you come across as a bitch who doesn’t like anyone. You find it hard to start a conversation, because you are scared of saying the wrong thing. You are scared of the judgemental glares because you have said something weird or stupid.

You remember the words “You’re stupid” and “You’re worthless”.

You remember the words “You are disgusting”

You remember every harsh word anyone has ever said to you. About you.

Maybe the darkness is right. Maybe the world would be better without you. You wouldn’t be annoying everyone around you anymore. You stare at the rail tracks and think that it would be an easy way out. But you care too much about the happiness of others to do anything.

Sometimes you wonder if the sadness you feel is just all in your head or is there actual reason for the fact you feel so sad. Are these people actually doing things that would make someone else sad? Or are you just too emotionally unstable that you see everything as an attack, no matter how small. And eventually, all of that sadness builds up. It fills up like a cup of water. Sooner or later, it will overflow and the water will start pouring out. The sadness you feel starts overflowing and you can’t contain it anymore.

Have you ever felt like you could disappear. Like you could fall... and no one would hear.

Every day.

But that was then, and this was now. It’s been nearly a year since I wrote this post. A year since I felt like the world was crumbling down around me and no one was wanting to help. But just like the seasons, things change. Yes, that was cheesy and cliche but it’s true.

A year on from writing this post and I am now away from that toxic environment.

A year on from writing this post and I am finally seeing my worth.

A year on from writing this post and I am heading towards a future and being a person I am proud of.

It’s not been an easy journey by any means, but life isn’t easy. And it’s through the hard times that you can really appreciate the good times. You truly appreciate the people around you who love you and won’t abandon you in your time of need.

If there is a singular thing from this post that I want people to take away from this, is that things do get better. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will get better.

As a dear friend of mine once told me, you can’t enjoy the sunshine without the rain.