For as long as I can remember, I have been angry.
I have been angry that my teachers at school didn’t see me as having the potential to achieve better things, so they never tried. This pushed me to work much harder to get what I want. I was angry for the longest time that I had gotten a 2:2 for my undergraduate degree, because I felt cheated out of a degree I worked so hard on (or I thought I had). I was angry at my drama school for not seeing the potential in me so they made me feel like I wasn’t cut out for the industry. Despite being the only one in my class to get an agent.
I have been angry that all of my relationships have ended in flames, and to see that the majority of these old flames are now in new relationships and are even living with their new partner (something I had wanted from them when we were an item). I have been angry that a group of friends I spent so much time with last year no longer speak to me after I had broken up with my ex. Which by the way still stings when I see them out together.
I have been angry that my relationships with family members are not in a place that I’d like them to be, it makes me feel like I fail as a daughter/sister/grand daughter/niece. Even though I know deep down it is because the distance I put between myself and my hometown is a huge contributing factor to this lack of communication. And at the same time I’m angry that my friendships seem to be fading away, and I have days where I feel like I have been abandoned by people who once said “I will always be there for you”.
I have been angry that I am nowhere near the life I had wanted to have by this age when I was younger. I think a part of me had hoped by 25 I would be in a serious relationship, possibly engaged/married and talking about starting a family.
So its safe to say I have held some anger and grudges for many years. So much so that my closest friend is now making comment on this anger, and the other day she mentioned to me that I need to “let go of this anger”, because none of the people who have hurt me or the people involved in the reasons why I am angry probably even care. It is just me that cares, and that’s why I am staying so angry and unable to develop better relationships with people.
While I don’t know the answer to letting go of this anger, and I don’t know how long it will take to do it, I do know there are a couple of things I can do to make the process easier for me.
Fill my time with people who want to be in my company. For so long I was trying to be in the company of people who didn’t necessarily care if I was there or not. Whereas now, when I socialise it is with people who are equally excited to see me in return.
Stop thinking about the past, and focus on the future. Yes, I have had some nasty things happen to me in my life (and I don’t want to sound like the victim because I certainly am not) but that doesn’t mean I am bound to these bad memories and have to mould my life around them. I have so much to look forward to in the future. Career opportunities. Aunty duties. Adventures across the sea. There’s so much to look forward to, and it starts with not letting my past control what I do.
On the topic of playing the victim, I need to stop playing the victim. But I also need to stop thinking myself as the villain. I am the first to admit I have done wrong, and maybe that’s why I hold anger too. Because I know I have done wrong in my past and I am mad at myself for doing these wrongs. I shouldn’t be seeing myself as the victim who the world owes a favour to, or the villain that needs to be punished. It’s so easy to fall into one of those categories as opposed to just being Me. Just being present and in the moment. Neither the one in the wrong or being treated wrong. Just experiencing life and learning from mistakes to make sure I become the superhero I aspire to be. The superhero to my own story.
Superheroes don’t hold anger or grudges, they forgive but don’t forget. They use these experiences to work on themselves and focus on how to improve themselves for their own benefit, instead of making themselves better to please others.
I have a long way to go before I can happily say I have let go on my anger and stopped letting it control my actions. But with every day, this constant work will pay off and one day I will wake up without this guarded wall I have placed to protect myself from people.
If you hold anger and grudges in yourself, try my three ideas above and let me know how it works for you.
Until next time, my B.A.Bs