October of 2018, I officially became a singleton. Now, there are many layers to this story. It wasn’t I had just decided this October day (I remember the exact day and time and reason and emotions down to the tee but that’s besides the point) that I decided to break off my year and a half long relationship. I had actually felt as if I was ‘single’ three months prior to the actual break up. This is for reasons that are irrelevant to the story! But since roughly July of 2018 I have felt to some level emotionally single. That’s coming up to a year.
This is coming from a girl who has been single for at most five months post-breakup before getting into another kind of relationship. No, I’m not desperate, I just had always been able to find someone I thought I connected with enough that I wanted to be exclusive with them. But in this past (almost) year I feel like I have learnt a lot. Mostly about myself more than anything else.
You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself before you can even consider being comfortable with someone else. I spent so long craving a relationship because I simply despised being in my own company. And if I had someone else to focus my attention on, that meant i could ignore everything i hated about myself. I have in fact learnt to like myself at least. I wouldn’t go as far as ‘love’ who I am because I have done some nasty shit to love myself. But I don’t need to be with someone all the time to feel like I am at ease. Even if it has taken me 8 months to realise this.
Self respect comes with time. Much like with liking/loving myself, I have started to find some self respect for myself. Now, you might be wondering “aren’t they just the same thing?” Well… no. I can like myself but not respect my body. Which for many months into single-life was what I was doing. I was filling that empty void with sleeping with anyone I found attractive enough so I could run away from confronting my lack of respect for myself.
You may feel lonely at times, but that’s ok. Yes, it’s ok to get that lonely feeling every now and then. It’s ok to want to just give up and cry down the phone to Mumma-Bear. But as long as you get back up and stay strong, then you will be fine. Take those lonely times to teach yourself a new skill. Use those lonely times to do what YOU want to do, because when you get into a relationship again you’re going to have to split your time to give your new partner attention.
And even though it is easy to write this now because I am in somewhat a happy state of my life, I know that there will be times when I will remember I’m not in a relationship, so I am as far as marriage and kids as possible (which I actually spent a few hours of my day stressing over after hearing YET ANOTHER friend of mine was pregnant/engaged) and that will obviously make me question where I am going wrong. But, at the same time (as my mother likes to tell me) I am going at my own pace. Sure, it’s not as fast as I would prefer, but I just pray before I’m 30 I have that perfect person that I want to spend my life with. And by then I will actually love myself for who I am and will be with someone who loves me for who I am, but also will not be someone I am with just because I hate my own company. They will be an addition to me, as opposed to an extra entity to my personality and existence.
And funnily enough, when I first started writing this post, I was feeling at ease with life. That very night, I laid in my bed and wondered “what the hell is wrong with me?” and I was starting to become that ‘desperate to be in a relationship’ type of person, until I gave myself a stern talking to.
A few days ago, one of my friends told me I should ‘try dating people’ as opposed to ‘just sleeping with them’ and while that is the obvious answer, and I am actually slowing down and doing less hook-ups, I am so aware of the development I need to do on myself.
But I can do it, and I know you can do it too- if you too are feeling unloved and unwanted. The time will come for us. I believe that things happen for a reason, and people come int our lives for a reason. So if I just enjoy my time for now, someone is bound to surprise me along the way.
Until next time, my B.A.Bs