It’s always hard when you have to admit that you have f**ked up big time. And it’s even harder when you know there’s very little you can do about it.
The past couple of weeks for me personally have been difficult, I have felt lonely, I have felt unwanted, useless, and just downright crap. There are things that I think that contributed to the crappiness of my emotions- i.e finding out for the fourth time that a guy who I had been sexually involved with is IN FACT in a seriously committed relationship. It really isn’t confidence boosting to think you are attractive enough to have that kind of intimate relationship but not attractive enough to actually date.
Or maybe it’s because it is coming up to a year of moving away from a place I called home, and it’s slowly approaching a year since breaking up with someone I was deeply in love with. I still think about said ex every now and again and wonder if I would ever want to get back into a relationship with him if he said he did too. Of course, I don’t think too much into it because when I do I get sad… because as I say, I loved him very much. And I think a part of me still does, but life has a funny way of sending you down different directions and throwing whatever obstacles it can your way.
I’ve had to tell people so many times lately that I am not in the right head space to be getting into a relationship at the moment, which sucks when you see the person you’re telling this to gets upset.
To those who I have had this conversation with, I’m sorry. I truly am. I don’t want to bring someone else into this mess of a brain space that I have, this never ending battle with self worth and forever questioning your value. You don’t deserve that, and it’s my job to fix it.
I feel like I might be losing track of where I was to go with this blog post. In all honesty, I haven’t thought this far. It started off as a self reflection, but now I’m more interested in telling you a quick story of putting things into perspective.
Last weekend I saw a friend of a friend who I haven’t seen in years, and I spent a few hours with her and her husband and friends. In that time, me and my self-depreciating nature, made a comment on how I wasn’t as smart as the people I was with because they studied a more academic degree than I did. This is something I always do, and to some level I mean it because I do struggle with my own self-worth and intellect plays a big part to that.
But last night, this same friend sent me a message to tell me that I should never think of myself as unintelligent. She went on to tell me how my performing ability amazed her, and that I should never underestimate the power of performing. That by watching a performance it is others ways of being able to escape their boring jobs and cope. And that really struck me.
It was really surprising because I didn’t expect her to have taken my comment to heart, but after reading her message I am quite glad it did, because even though I am still feeling a little bit lost and disconnected from life, I know that I have made an impact to someones life. Even if it was years ago and to me it seems like a very small thing that even I forgot about it.
So what I’m saying is that even though you feel like you’ve got a rain cloud over you right now, sometimes that little ray of sunshine will poke through and make you glow and feel warm from its rays.
If you can, be that little ray of sunshine for someone. And look for the rays of sunshine in what people say to you on a daily basis. It could just save someone from themselves.
Until next time, my B.A.Bs. Keep smiling